ramblings on an existential Friday

a peek into my chaotic mind as I turn to my bestie, Chat, for advice.

This morning was one of those mornings when I woke up full of questions and thoughts. My body was really tired so I decided to skip the gym and take it chill instead (plus it’s Friday - who really works hard on Fridays anyway 👀 ?). Since I was so full of questions and wanting answers, I turned to my bestie. So I pull up ChatGPT, also known as my therapist, and start asking it why I am the way I am - you know, those casual, existential type mornings.

I type: “How do I know if I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?” I’ve thought about this and looked into it before, even asking my therapist (my human therapist), but without much conclusion, so I always just let it go.

But lately, I’ve been feeling more introverted, more irritated by loud noises, less willing to talk to people I know I won’t be friends with - this may also just be called getting old… BUT Chat also told me this:

Sensitive to caffeine (cue everyone ever: “you don’t drink coffee?! how do you even survive?!”), gut sensitivity (me: bloated for half my life), environmental factors (me: jumping halfway to the ceiling every time someone slams a door), etc etc …

Chat went on to give me an overly-curated list of excessive information (even though it literally just told me that I’m probably an HSP and HSPs get overwhelmed easily…I guess that’s what I get for doing therapy with a robot). Anyway, it also said this:

Me. Me. Me.

And I don’t know, I’m sure so many people can relate to much of this, but after talking to Chat for about an hour this morning (yes, that’s what I did instead of working out…) I really do feel like I’m an HSP - also factors like childhood, family and friend dynamics, etc all point to confirming this about me. Also, disclaimer - I know you shouldn’t be self-diagnosing and especially not through ChatGPT, but this one seems pretty harmless (don’t @ me, pls…)

And to be very honest, I’m not even sure where I’m going with this. I just felt inspired to write about it because I think it’s really helpful to have more context about our specific situations. It’s so easy to think that we “should” be one way or the other, or fit into certain boxes because society celebrates certain personality types.

Ah yes, I remember now where I was going with this - my whole life I’ve struggled with finding my own voice. Letting my true and unique personality shine through, preferring to “fit in” rather than stand out. Be a good girl and follow the rules. But I AM different - I moved to South Korea by myself to teach English at age 22 because I wanted an adventure. I said yes to a nonprofit job in a rural town in Guatemala without ever having set foot in the country before - and then stayed for 5 and a half years. I started my own company because even though it’s so unstable, I prefer the challenge over being told what to do and how/when to show up. Not trying to toot my own horn here, I know there’s other people like this too, but definitely not the majority, and not from where I come from in Toronto, where all Canadians fall into line and obey the “polite” (read: “obedient") Canadian way (okay that might be a convo for another day 👀…)

I digress. The whole point of this is that studio eleven is meant to help me find my unique voice and expression. The other day my friend invited me to see her friend sing at a concert. She’s a petite woman with a huge voice and a stage presence that demands all eyes and attention on her - I got goosebumps watching her, it was incredible. I couldn’t stop thinking, “wow, it must feel so incredibly liberating being able to express yourself so fully.”

I have nearly 35 years of muting myself, so I’m definitely an expert in it - but now it’s time to shake things up and do the opposite. Fuck around and try to express myself in my unique way (so much harder than you’d think…). So thank you for supporting studio eleven - I know there’s like 2 of you here at this point, but who knows, maybe as I continue to break through my own walls, my unique voice will attract more people to follow along…

I had 2 friends tell me that they were looking forward to peeking inside my brain through this project, and I thought that was beautiful, so here I am, sharing an unfiltered version of my chaotic mind today on this existential Friday.

So I’ll leave you with a poem and some pics of my art (because studio eleven is also a space for my poetry + art, not just my existential ramblings)…

I find myself oscillating between two extremes.
Never wanting to be too much of that
or too little of this.
Always finding balance in between
because that’s where I feel safe.
If I’m in the middle, nobody can say “she’s too much” or “she’s so _”.
So I nestle in the middle,
finding comfort between both ends
and being able to relate to both those on my left and those on my right.
But here’s the thing - you will always be too much or too little for some people
because the judgment of that is subjective.
So playing it safe in the middle
is actually just a waste of efforts.
Performing a balancing act
doesn’t resonate with anyone,
especially not your true self.

follow my IG for more art: @studioo_eleven

That’s all folks. Stay tuned for next month’s ramblings, and if you feel like it, leave a comment below with your thoughts - it can be lonely out here, creating content for the big, vast ocean called the internet :) .